Jan. 28th, 2013

whatimages: ([digging a ditch])
 I'm taking this theory class this semester, and it is lighting up my whole life. The prof is so amazing and I am desperately in love with her. It's a glorious, mindbending class, and it makes me so excited to do research. Today I was asking the prof about the interface between animal studies and disability studies, and she said she could give me a reading list, except given my tendency to make more work for myself, maybe it would be best if she didn't. I protested about not wanting to be an academic, and my friend gave me the most amazing "bitch r u 4 real?" face I have ever seen. And then I took my angst to twitter, where [personal profile] allchildren  and [personal profile] liminalliz were like, this cannot be news to you. In retrospect, I can't think of a person I know who hasn't at one point said I would be good at academia. Which despite being a truly stunning aggregate of people saying this to me, it's taken quite a while for it to sink in. 

I mean, that's not entirely fair. I know I'm good at theory and crap; but I have struggled and struggled with my need to do something that feels ~real~ instead of being ivory tower bullshit. And wow the entire edifice of academia is the worst (THE WORST), but at the same time I love research I love the possibilities of thought I love the visionary and emancipatory possibilities within knowledge production. A lot of that  sense of possibility comes from my theory prof, who is both rigourously theoretical and very applied and social justice oriented in how she uses theory.

Which is all to say I impulse applied for a PhD today in my department, because my friends yelled at me. I have nine days to get my shit together, which isn't actually all that difficult since I'm already in the department, and the statement of intent is only two pages long. So it's completely absurd, but also doable. 

I'm kind of ridiculous. 

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October 2013

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